"Allo "Allo!

Flopii

BBC One

Set during World War II, 'Allo 'Allo! tells the story of René Artois, a French café owner in the village of Nouvion . Germans have occupied the village and stolen all of its valuable artefacts. These include the first cuckoo clock ever made and a painting of The Fallen Madonna by Van Clomp (known to those who have seen it as The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies). The commandant of the town has decided to keep them for himself after the war and forces René to hide the painting in his café. Hitler also wants the painting for himself, and sends Herr Otto Flick of the Gestapo to the town to find it. Flick, in turn, conspires to keep it for himself. The paintings are duplicated by a forger, get mixed-up and put in knockwurst sausages. One is sent to Hitler on an ammunition train which gets blown up, one is hidden and the other is eaten for dinner by Flick himself.

Characters

 René François Artois (Gorden Kaye) - The local café proprietor, whilst trying to remain impartial, René has been brought into the war on both sides. The Germans are threatening to shoot him if he does not secretly hide stolen valuable paintings; the Resistance are using his café as a safe-house for shot down British airmen; and on top of that, he is trying to keep his passionate love affairs with the café serving girls secret from his wife. When caught in the arms of another woman.

Edith Melba Artois (Carmen Silvera) - René's wife, and the café's resident cabaret performer. However, her singing is so bad and tuneless (as René was heard once to comment "my wife, who cannot carry a tune in a bucket..."), the locals stick cheese in their ears to block out the terrible sound. Whilst René refers to her as stupid, she is also the subject of much romantic wooing by the local undertaker, Monsieur Alfonse and the Italian, Captain Alberto Bertorelli. Whenever she finds René embracing one of the café's waitresses,

Madame Fanny La Fan (Rose Hill) - Edith's mother. She lives in the attic of the café, which is also the place where the British airmen and the Resistance's radio  are hidden. When she wants attention, she bangs her walking stick on the floor and cries out "Will nobody hear the cries of a poor old woman?" She is partial to a glass of gin, and occasionally fills in for her daughter as part of the café cabaret; though her singing is just as bad . She also hates the Gestapo.

Yvette Carte-Blanche (Vicki Michelle) - A waitress at the café. She is in love with René, and wants to elope with him, but is unable due to René having to stay loyal to his wife. She is also responsible for entertaining the German officers, upstairs at the café with the wet celery and the flying helmet.

Maria Recamier (Francesca Gonshaw) (series 1 to 3) - Another waitress at the café. She too is in love with René. She has no idea that Rene also loves Yvette, and also believes that Rene should run away with her. When she speaks she has the tendency to spit when she gargles her "r"s. She gets "lost in the post" .
 
Mimi Labonq (Sue Hodge) (series 4 to 9) - The extremely short replacement waitress for Maria. She is also a secret agent for the Resistance who has a bloodthirsty hate of the Germans. She also has a bit of a fancy for René.

Michelle "of the Resistance" Dubois (Kirsten Cooke) - Leader of the local French Resistance, she is responsible for coming up with elaborate plans to help the British airmen escape, and plots for blowing up German ammunition trains and lorries. Whenever she concocts a plan, she gathers everyone around and issues her invariable instruction of "Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once" followed by issuing the vital information.

 Monsieur Roger LeClerc (Jack Haig) (series 1 to 5) - The Resistance's forger, master of disguises and café piano player. He is responsible for delivering various goods of batteries, bombs and radio equipment to the café. This duty is undertaken by LeClerc in a variety of disguises ranging from being an onion seller to being a lost mountain hiker.

 Monsieur Ernest LeClerc (Derek Royle, series 6; Robin Parkinson, series 7 to 9) - The character was introduced after the sudden death of Jack Haig (the actor who played Roger Leclerc). He had many of the same characteristics as his brother, and was also the childhood sweetheart of Madame Fanny. The switch of characters was explained by claiming that Roger had attempted to get his brother out of prison, and ended up taking his place there.

Monsieur Alfonse (Kenneth Connor) - He is in love with Madame Edith; often wooing her with flowers and the prospect of living above the mortuary. He has a serious heart condition, causing his "dicky ticker" to go in to overdrive upon the revealing of women's underclothing. He often aids the resistance. When he heard that René was to remarry Madame Edith he challenged him to a duel. During the stand-off René ran away only to be hit in the coal-scuttle he was wearing under his shirt. Edith had sold tickets and had done the catering so was not amused. He had set up a tunnel from his mortuary to the British POW camp to smuggle in the airmen. Funds for the Resistance were borrowed from him but forged by LeClerc on their return, unfortunately leading him to feel generous and spend it massively in a party at the café!

Major-General Erich Von Klinkerhoffen (Hilary Minster) - A ruthless commander. He always threatens to have French peasants shot when the resistance attacks the German army. He occupies a rather grand chateau where he is wooed by the serving girls to aid a Resistance mission to steal the knockwurst, joined by Private Helga Geerhart on behalf of the Gestapo and even an attempt by Lieutenant Hubert Gruber, Helga stood to attention in her undergarments as Gruber burst in dressed like Oscar Wilde and the gramophone she was playing striptease music on wound down.

Colonel Kurt Von Strohm (Richard Marner) - The town German commandant. He is kept occupied by hiding valuable local paintings and antiques, which he will sell after the war. He frequently visits the cafe, where the waitresses provide him with much entertainment. He always gets René to do his dirty work, threatening him with the line "Otherwise I will have you shot!" Hans - "He would, he did it before!" Overweight, stumbling and greedy, the Colonel had promised René a cut in the profits but was quick to take them away. "Ve are vinning zer var. I am a German officer and I can shoot anyone I like!" Hans mimed expanding head motions behind his back.

 Lieutenant Hubert Gruber (Guy Siner) - A German officer on leave from the Russian front, with a crush on René. He is also responsible for forging certain pieces of art. He has the effeminate manner of a stereotypical homosexual, and a "little tank", driven by the unseen Clarence. Despite his overtly camp behaviour, however, it is revealed in the very last episode of the series that he eventually married Helga and they had numerous children.

Captain Hans Geering (Sam Kelly) (series 1 to 4, series 7) - Original assistant to Colonel Von Strohm, he is lenient for a German officer (e.g. he is not shocked to find out that his uniform is being made by a Jewish tailor), he also frequently visits the café, where the waitresses provide him with much entertainment. He is mistaken as a British Airman in 'Camp Dance' and sent to England. He returns briefly in one episode of season 7, having accidentally become a trusted member of British intelligence, who is astonished that his friends Rene and Edith were actually the mysterious 'Nighthawk', and is very happy in his new life. He was noted for his odd pronunciation of Colonel.

 Captain Alberto Bertorelli (Gavin Richards, series 4 to 6; Roger Kitter, series 7) - An Italian who has come to the local town, as Mussolini has joined in the war. He has an eye for the ladies and is known as a womaniser.When the salute to the Führer is given, Bertorelli instead says "Heil-a Mussolini;" and when things go wrong he always says "What a mistake-a to make-a!" His Italian troops are a complete mess and always run away. In greeting, he kisses everybody except Gruber whom he knows about and shakes his hand from far away. Famously asked about his medals: "The first row are for service in Abyssinia. The second row are for service in North Africa." The last row? "They are for servicing Fiats!" Later he put on a big feast for Madam Edith and was seen to put some of the olive oil on his hair.

Herr Otto Flick (Richard Gibson, series 1 to 8; David Janson, series 9) - The local Gestapo officer who tries to show as little emotion as possible. Dressed in a long leather double-breasted coat over a pinstriped suit, with a wide-brimmed leather hat, leather gloves and octagonal steel-rimmed glasses. He fancies the equally blonde Helga Geerhart, whom he will marry after the war. He is the godson of Heinrich Himmler. He is known for his considerably exaggerated limp, and his frequent use of the word 'Gestapo' as an adjective.Herr Flick often hits von Smallhausen on the head with his cane, often saying "Wrong!" When Flick wants Helga to kiss him he will say to her in a stern manner "You may kiss me!".  The change of actors in the final season was explained by Flick having had plastic surgery done on him to avoid capture by the approaching Allied forces.

 Private Helga Geerhart (Kim Hartman) - The Colonel's secretary, and lover of Herr Flick. She is well built, and known for a tendency to take off her clothes for usually tenuous reasons, showcasing a vast range of erotic lingerie. This could be seen as a parody of Jane, a British comic strip character popular during World War II who was always losing her clothes, and constantly being captured or found in lingerie. She says: "When he's like this I always find it's best to strip off and ask questions later.

 Herr Engelbert Von Smallhausen (John Louis Mansi) (series 2 to 9) - Herr Flick's assistant. Dressed exactly like Herr Flick but only half as tall. He also copies his exaggerated limp. He often suggests stupid plans and ideas, only for them to be put down by Herr Flick. He once delivered an out-of-date ransom note from the Resistance saying "It was tied around a brick and thrown at my head - I have only just regained consciousness!" He once turned up at Herr Flick's dungeon banging on the door without success. The door then exploded and he entered over the wreckage to say sorryfully "I lost my key!" He is often put on spying missions and to eavesdrop on the radio, but he likes listening to Tommy Handley.